Permanent Abyss

2007-03-28T19:28:00.000-07:00

Jon is coming home tomorrow. I have not wrote here in awhile because I wanted to spend time thinking outloud. It actually helps almost as much as writing those thoughts down does. Anyways, I am now sure, more than ever, that I want Jon to pick me, to decide to choose to spend all of his youth (and old age) with me, to walk away after accomplishing his goal of becoming the United States Soldier. It takes a true, mature man to understand what is most important to him. It takes a true, secure man to understand that he needs to do whatever he needs to do at the right time, for the right reason. I hope Jon can see that that time is now. I hope he can feel that I am the right reason.

2007-03-05T21:08:00.001-08:00

Eight little words written to me by my future husband in his latest letter has made my life full of color again. These eight little words mean more to me than he could ever imagine. They tell me that he is coming to a realization of what’s most important to him. Those eight little words told me that I am, -- just like it should be. When he called yesterday I was all smiles, knowing that we don’t have that much time to go. All the while we were talking, I was hoping that somehow I could just reach through the phone and touch him, just like I do when I’m home at our apartment, touching and kissing his clothes. Sounds odd and stocker-like, but it helps.

I was thinking over the past couple of days that since we moved in together, I have made such a transformation. I found the courage to address some difficult personal issues, because Jon was by my side, comforting me, letting me cry on his shoulder. I started healing faster when we moved in together, and this process will continue as long as I have him by my side. I will never underestimate the importance of having his support and I thank him out loud, even though he can’t hear me, for helping me heal. I want to thank him for creating an environment around me where I feel safe, where I know that no matter what he will sooth me, that he will tell me that everything will be ok, and that it actually will. He is the man of my dreams and I am one lucky girl.

2007-02-25T19:32:00.001-08:00

Jon called today. I missed his calls yesterday so he had to do some pushups to be able to make a call. I felt horrible about that. I feel like I’m married to the phone: I check it constantly to make sure I have not missed a call from him. And when I do (which is yesterday was the first time that I have since he left), I feel like that phone is my only connection to knowing that he is ok and that is a gut wrenching feeling. So when I miss a call, I know that I missed the opportunity to make him feel better, to calm his fears, to make his day. I don’t want to be married to the phone. I did not sign up to be married to the phone. Or did I?

I started thinking today – what if I knew that my life is going to feel like this? Would I have accepted his proposal? I don’t know. What I’m sure of is that I love him and that I want to be with him. Today, when we talked on the phone, he said that I should not be worried about him being deployed anytime soon and while those words were coming out of his mouth, tears were rolling down my face. Those weren’t the tears of relief. I cry because I know that him being in harm’s way is just a matter of time if he decides to continue his training all the way to the flight school and after that for years in the military. We will have to re-live these months again in two, maybe three years. And since we’ll be married, it sure won’t make it any easier. . That’s why I cry.

2007-02-17T22:46:00.000-08:00

Ever notice how simple interactions in your daily life can have a profound effect on your thinking? Today I was playing Monopoly with Thomas, my younger brother. Last time he won. This time I did, and only because of two reasons. I’ve learned my lesson last time -- put my money where I could do the most damage to him and create the most profit for me. The second reason I won is because I made the right move at the right time. The same thinking applies to my relationship with Jon. I’m glad that I did not know him during his college days – I don’t think we would have been good for each other then; we just weren’t ready.

So are we ready now? If, let’s say, we would have met X years from now, would our lives be different? That’s a definite “yes”. And not only different, they would have been more defined. By defined I mean – I would know for sure that he not only chose the military lifestyle because it challenged him today, but wanted to continue living it to the rest of his days because that’s what he is – he is a soldier. Then, I would have to make a decision of whether, despite loving him, I wanted the same kind of life. The answer to that would have been “no”. Eventually, this would boil down to us not being on the same page as far as what we want. I’m afraid of that. I’m afraid that despite us being so close, so in love, so compatible, ultimately, we want different things. I want a marriage where our relationship is first, and not his relationship with the military. Call me selfish but how can I not be? I’m selfish for both of us.

2007-02-16T22:14:00.000-08:00

Today I got to thinking about what I want to be when I grow up. I’ve been struggling to define it for more than 10 years now. I always wanted to belong to a category of sorts, just like little children want to be a doctor or a policeman or an astronaut one day when they grow up, I always wanted to know what I want to be. The bad news is that I still don’t know. The good news is that because I don’t fit into just one category, the sky is the limit. I started thinking that instead of figuring out what I want to do for a living, I will start with defining what I don’t want to spend 8+ hours a day doing. I will go ahead and apply the reverse logic on that for my personal life.

Instead of saying what I don’t want, I will start with what I do want.

I want to be healthy, drop a dress size and straighten my teeth (you’d think the last two would be easy, but no, as I tell my boss quite often “nothing is easy with Inga”). One is a mental obstacle, the other is the financial one. Both, can be overcome. I want my mom to be healthy and learn how to live with the pain of fibromyalgia better, how to manage it so it does not cripple her life. I want to be wealthy, I want a nice, open home, a dependable car (and another one just for fun), and a peace of mind that when I retire my family is taken care of. I want to spend time visiting museums and travel. I want to be able to forgive and form a peace-treaty with me; forgive for things that I have done and for things others have done to me.

All of these things really boil down to a peace of mind. So finally, and most importantly, I want to marry my fiancé and experience that peace of mind. I have come to realization that Jon being in the National Guard fits what he wants to be at this time in his life. However, I don’t think that actively serving in the military is his (ours) lifestyle. I must sound un-patriotic, but my frame of reference cannot support that claim. The reason I say that is because I’ve never heard him describe the reason why he joined the army in the first place as being that of wanting to “serve the country.”

Nonetheless, I value his decision as something that’s important for him, and understand his desire to try it out, but I just can’t agree that the shoe fits. Physically and mentally, sure he’s capable, yet his heart does not seem to be in it. In the grand scheme of things, he may wish to follow the footsteps of his family’s previous generation because he thinks it is the right thing to do. But in his heart of hearts, I don’t think he truly believes that’s so.

2007-02-14T20:20:00.000-08:00

Today is the day that I should stop crying. But I didn’t. I received two letters from Jon and could not help but to let it all out. The most romantic, breathtaking, wonderful letters. No one can write to me like he does and no one can make me feel like he does. He wrote me a poem for Valentine’s day about the night we met. I have no words to describe how special it made me feel. I memorized it. I will carry it in my heart.

On faith filled, frosty night
I see a wondrous site
A beauty rare and free,
Please! Please! Speak to me

This maiden fair, and full of grace
I need to meet this night, this place
What do I say? What do I do?
God – why am I such a fool?

Speak – no, I can’t, I won’t
What if I go off on some foolish rant
Idiot, moron, that’s what she’ll think
This moment will be gone in a blink

My time draws near, our time grows short
She’ll run off and leave with her cohort
Speak now! Speak now! Before she’s gone
Hi, my name is Jon

2007-02-07T19:18:00.001-08:00

Jon called yesterday at 4:44 pm. I did not recognize the number but my heart told me to pick up the phone. I did not expect to hear from him on a Tuesday. His voice was almost unrecognizable from screaming. I wanted to scream too. I clinched my teeth for an hour after our conversation. I wanted to ask him so much, but all of a sudden he says “Babe, I got 10 seconds” and my mind went blank. All I could think about was how badly it hurt to hear him sound like that.

That night I wrote him letter #6. I told him how our voluntary separation leaves me crippled at times, with depression and heartache every time I think about him or look at his picture, or feel his clothes. If we weren’t engaged, how I behave in his closet would qualify me as a stalker. I would touch his favorite sweaters and smell the leftover cologne scent, whiffing it inside my nostrils like a drug addict. I miss the smell of his skin, the scent of my man.

I wanted to tell him that my life without him being here with me right now is meaningless, pointless. The food doesn’t taste as good, my laughter isn’t as loud, and for some time I avoided looking at myself in the mirror. I didn’t recognize the person I saw in it. Not feeling him with me physically is emotionally devastating. I try not to think about the day when we have to be apart for a year or more. I was always told I’m a strong person and I actually believed it, but this time I doubt myself. I try to pretend I’m ok with the decision that was made when he was single, without a family ... Now this decision will affect both of us, and I’m not ok with signing up for the unknown. So what is the answer to: “If you love him you will sacrifice where you think you want to be in your life and let him do what he wants.” And, what about the argument “If he loves me then he would understand where I’m coming from.” So where is the compromise here? I don’t know.

This feeling of detachment, feeling like a part of me is no longer with me, is not passing. It is etched permanently into every millimeter of my skin. I’m glad he’s doing what he loves (or at least thinks he loves). The price to pay, however, is another story. After all of the thinking I’ve done before and since January 15^th, I believe that such drastic steps should only be taken when you truly, unequivocally believe in the cause you are fighting for. Money is not a good enough reason to put your life and the life of your family, in the situation where your existence in their lives could be threatened. He is the most important, most precious gift I have. I am terrified of losing it.

On a much lighter side, I really hope the day comes when I don’t cry at a mere thought of him being so far away from me emotionally, unavailable to talk to, unavailable to share the details of my day, unavailable to give me the giggles. Gosh, when I start thinking about all the fun things we used to laugh so much about, a big smile illuminates my face. I chuckle at the memory of playfully fighting over the fridge, laughing hysterically at his silly comments, making obscene jokes at other’s expense. I miss that, all of that. I can’t wait for him to come back to me.

2007-02-02T18:20:00.000-08:00

Today I thought about what I would have done if I was in his shoes and he was in mine. I think feelings on both sides would have been the same. He would have been unhappy about the decision I made, unhappy about needing to separate but, nonetheless, very proud of me. And I am very proud of him. He’s doing something I would have never had the courage, the will, or the desire to do. There is so much good in Jon. So much life, zest, and potential. I could not forgive myself if he turned out to be in a compromising position, and I did not do anything about it. Being active duty in the military is that compromising position. Being active duty means that there is a greater potential for him not to spend the rest of his days with me. Being active duty may mean that the quality of his life may be changed or diminished should something happen. I am not ok with that. I am not ok with the person I admire and love more than anything or anyone I know, not being able to live the life he deserves. But then again, who is to say what our destiny and reason for being here is? While I believe in the higher power and that that higher power may have something to do with our lives, I also think that we make our own destiny. I just need to make sure that Jon’s and mine run parallel, in unison with our goals for ourselves and our relationship.

I have asked myself this question many times, and I am still not 100% sure of this answer – what are my goals for myself? I know that I want to be comfortably wealthy, have a profession I love, work in the industry I like, and with the people who are smarter than me. And I know that I will achieve what I need to feel comfortable to enjoy my day-to-day life. I just want Jon to be there with me, to enjoy our successes as a couple and as individuals. Today, two weeks after he left for training, my depression still strong, always-present, always-here, always in the back of my mind. I sigh when I walk by our portrait in my parent’s living room and look away so the tears that are pushing up and clouding my vision don’t spill over my eyelids. While I try my best not to cry, my heart is showered with blood tears.

This separation is very hard on me for another big reason – our relationship is so new, so fragile, so dependent on our willingness, need, and, moreover, ability to work on it, that it is putting a strain on my own conflict with Jon’s decision. This conflict drives the depression as much as the separation does, if not more. I have been silent for the first 6 month of our life together because I knew that Jon needed the reassurance that I will be ok with him leaving for that long. Nonetheless, the conflict was and still is extremely strong. And dealing with it is a job within itself.

2007-01-31T15:55:00.000-08:00

Today was “take a look at you in the future day.” I thought about what may happen of our lives, our relationship, our love and where it would take us. I am looking ahead, looking into all possibilities, including if one day he comes home and says that he’s done with the army (which will, by the way, be the happiest day of my life), or if one day comes home and tells me that being in the army means a lot more to him than he could ever imagine.

How will I feel then? I don’t have an answer to that one, and, perhaps, at the end of the day, I don’t know that I ever will. But, now I know how that thought is making me feel at the pit of my stomach – sick and weak (and I have never been weak). When we got together, that pit of my stomach feeling told me that I wanted to be with him. It didn’t lie. I hope it is wrong this time. I hope that that feeling of sickliness and weakness will pass. But what if it doesn’t. Only time will tell.

Rewind back. Jon left on Monday, 15^th of January, the hardest day of my life. I dropped him off at Camp Atterbury and we both cried. I remember our last kiss like it was yesterday. Hot and passionate and sad and desperate … I cried my eyes out on the way home. And the rest of the day. And the day after that. This overwhelming depression sat it and got a hold of me. During the work day (since I work from home), I would go up to a portrait of us, and talk to him, tell him how much I love him, and tell him how much I miss him. There was (and still is) only one thought circulating in my head – how miserable I am. You know, when you take a drug away from an addict, there are phases of withdraw they go through. I hope I’m not stuck in the very first phase, when your body, mind and soul just crave your drug, crave it so bad that you are becoming physically ill. I was nausiated, felt weak and lifeless. He called me a few days later and I spent the rest of the day in bed. All I wanted to do is sleep, hoping that at least during my dream cycles I would not feel the need of the drug that is Jon.

2007-01-29T18:54:00.001-08:00

Got a letter from Jonny yesterday. When I saw his handwriting, at first I didn’t recognize it. I was in such shock that my hands were trembling while I was opening it. The fingers were cold and numb. Just like my heart. I don’t think I even took a breath. This is the most romantic letter I’ve ever received. He tells me how much he misses me. He tells me that “every accomplishment or completed drill brings me one step closer to holding you in my arms again”. I was lightheaded reading it. I was lightheaded from crying so hard. I thought I will drown in my tears when I read “All becomes all right in my world because you are back in my arms.” And then I read “Because I will do anything it takes to be with you.” I stopped reading. I needed to take a breath. I needed to take a deep one.

2007-01-29T13:46:00.000-08:00

Today I realized, that the worst part about being without Jon physically, is that I feel alone (not lonely, though); while I know that I am not alone and I am in a wonderful relationship, I still feel like a part of me is missing, gone into abyss, unavailable to me. I had a conversation with Courtney, and today, for the first time during the past 5 years, I said something -- out loud -- about me that I have not articulated before: I am not a person who can survive without the other person in the relationship being physically present. I am not the one to believe in long distance relationships, I’m not the one to be able to live my best life in one, and I truly see Jon being in the military as that – a long distance relationship, where the military will be his priority, not because he wants to, but because he has to.

Nonetheless, I am very proud of him making this step. He is a star in his own galaxy and I cherish and respect the times we have together. He is my hero, my support system, my source of laughter and joy, my inspiration to be a better person, and my reason to exist.

Backtrack a little bit here. The history Jon and I have already is rich and full of color. I moved in with Jon instantaneously, without a second thought, without hesitation. Typically, if someone approached me about a relationship of any kind, I would turn into a skeptic first and then that of a “maybe open-to-a-relationship person”, and only after a certain “past comfort zone” timeframe. I knew that he is the best thing I’ve got and I am terrified to lose him. I am also terrified of myself, of feeling like that myself is now in shambles, laying purposeless somewhere outside in the rainy, cold November day.

I break down physically when I think about him not being with me in body, and when I think about how that makes me feel. I break down mentally when I talk to someone about him. While it is hard to be separated from him physically, to not feel his eyes on me everyday, to not get that hug in the wee hours of the morning when he rolls over and signals to me that we should sleep in this morning, to not to feel the warmth of his kiss when he is leaving for work, it is even harder not to feel him emotionally. The little things like that I miss the most. The emotions that are tied to those little things gnaw at me because they are no longer there. They are absent from my life as I know it today.

Some will say “Come on, he’s gone for 2 and a half months, he’ll be back,” but that’s not what’s bothering me the most. I don't mean to diminish the lives of women whose boyfriends, husbands, fathers are already active duty and I can't even imagine what they are going through, but if this is hard for me today, when Jon is not in harm's way, how will I feel when he is? I am scared of that feeling. I am miserable enough already.

2007-01-27T17:56:00.000-08:00

Jon is in the army. He’s gone for 2.5 months to Ft. Knox. I’m without him for 2.5 months. I have so many emotions, confused thoughts, depression and un-fulfillment inside, that I don’t know where to start helping myself. So I decided to write about it, hoping that it not only would help me, but maybe, just maybe, help someone else going through the same stage in their lives. I was conflicted about him going away for that long prior to him actually leaving. Now that he is gone, I realize how hard it is for me and how much harder it actually is than I thought it would be. Yes, I’ve said that before, but I need to say what that phrase means out loud again – I have no idea what I’m in for.

2007-01-27T17:27:00.000-08:00

For me, my story line, the true life as I know and recognize it, starts when I got here (the US). Meaning, at 17, I had no clue. At 25, I still had no clue. And now, I’m in over my head with work, personal life, and so on. The most fascinating thing is that while I kept my heart locked up, I did not have a worry in the world. Yes, I was going through what most single women in their 20s are going through, but it was nothing comparing to what I have now. So, once I opened my heart up to a very special someone – I started feeling the joy and happiness, while sometimes, I felt my brunette hairs wanting to turn gray.

Oh, the trials and tribulations of a relationship! It never seizes to amaze me how difficult being in a relationship can be. I hear stories of women who are abused, are constantly at conflict with their significant other, or are just plain miserable in their own skin. I am neither. I am in love with a wonderful, amazing, smart, sexy, and the list goes on guy. While neither him nor I were planning to be in a serious relationship at the time we met in January of 2006, come that summer we were engaged. Things were happening so fast; I had a feeling that I was watching myself from the sidelines going through this wonderful whirlwind of being in love. I dropped everything immediately and moved in with him. I changed the way I live, the way I think, and the way I want people to perceive me. I used to care what people around me thought. A lot. Now, I really care what Jon thinks about me. A lot. I knew that the life I wanted us to have for the first few years of our relationship would change. I knew it when I said “yes.” What I did not know is how I will feel about that life once it is upon me.